Although the title sounds like “James Bond meets porn,” it’s actually the name of a real CIA mind-control program from the 1950s. In this top-secret project, CIA safehouses were converted into brothels which, in turn, became laboratories of sorts. While ladies of the evening on the CIA payroll laced their Johns’ drinks with LSD, CIA agents observed these unwitting human guinea pigs over revolutionary surveillance cameras to study the effects of hallucinogenic drugs. Jordan and Thadani were so fascinated by this unconventional operation that they based their web series around it.

Each webisode opens in the grainy style of a classic government propaganda film, while it provides a brief recap of the mission behind Operation Midnight Climax. From there, the story unfolds to offer viewers an alluring glimpse into what might have taken place on any of these long, strange nights.

In the first episode, we meet Reed (Todd Cahoon), the CIA agent with a scandalous past who gets a second chance through his participation in MKULTRA — the official name of Operation Midnight Climax. He seems to have a friendly relationship with the tough-as-nails brothel boss-lady, Millie (Meredith Salenger), and solicits her help in seducing and drugging her lustful clientele. She and her ladies consider the proposition. Slow business coupled with the lure of guaranteed cash make the decision unanimous. And so the operation begins.

The second episode highlights one particular eve where Italian wise guy Victor (Juan “Rambo” Reynoso — also the series producer) gets dosed. Shortly thereafter, he is thrust into an altered state of delusion. The brothel living room is suddenly filled with the living dead, and they’re hungry for his flesh. Paranoia sets in and Victor flips out. Scheming sex kitten June (Stephanie Lemelin) tries to calm him, but he pulls an Ike Turner on her. As the segment ends, CIA agent Reed decides to find out firsthand what it’s like to “feed his head.”

With each webisode, Jordan and Thadani turn you on to Climax’s infinite possibilities. Once your curiosity is aroused, you definitely want more…but it’s not only viewers who are getting stimulated. The iTVfest (Independent Television Festival) was so fired up that they made it one of their Official Selections.

To truly become absorbed into this web series, you must experience your own Climax. Watch it at the iTVfest (Los Angeles Indie TV fest) at Laemmie’s Sunset on July 31st-August 6th in Hollywood, California. Or you can view episodes of Operation Midnight Climax here.

“Record stores can’t save your life. But they can give you a better one.”
     — Nick Hornby, author of High Fidelity and Slam 

Growing up in St. Louis, Missouri, one of my favorite places to hang out was Vintage Vinyl, an independent record store located in the University City Loop. If you loved music, it was your happy place -– comprised of all the sights and sounds that gave you unparalleled bliss: endless rows of full-length and 7” vinyl, limited-edition gig posters, the obscure David Bowie or Screamin’ Jay Hawkins album playing over the speakers, and a massive $4.99 CD bin where you just might find that one Big Audio Dynamite or AC/DC disc you missed out on years earlier. If you sought something new, you could consult the hand-written staff recommendations on everything from the latest indie releases or local music to forgotten classic soul and blues treasures. You could ask any of the clerks about Mick Collins’s other bands before The Dirtbombs and/or if they could point you in the direction of something similarly hip-shaking and mind-blowing. Best of all, Vintage Vinyl had a heavy rotation of in-store performances from a multitude of artists and bands, like Bright Eyes, Black Eyed Peas, The Donnas, Clipse, Queens of the Stone Age, Slayer and Dilated Peoples.

Thankfully, there are still a few independent record stores around. As convenient as it is to download tracks off of iTunes or Rhapsody, nothing compares to the experience of being inside a record store, where you’re surrounded by people who dig music as much as you –- from the other customers, to the employees, to the band-mates you might bump into, browsing the racks.

This Saturday, April 18^th marks the second annual Record Store Day, when over 700 independent record stores in the US and several others worldwide will give this well-loved cultural contribution the recognition it deserves.

In honor of this special day, hundreds of bands will play free in-store shows across the country. This impressive list includes: 

Scott Ian (from Anthrax) in Hollywood, California at Amoeba Records
Silversun Pickups in Berkeley, California at Rasputin Music and DVDs 
Eagles of Death Metal in Claremont, California at Rhino Records
Panic at the Disco in Austin, Texas at Waterloo 
Bottle Rockets in St. Louis, Missouri at Euclid Records
Jay Reatard in Memphis, Tennessee at Goner Records 
The Ettes, Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears and much more in Nashville, Tennessee at Grimey’s 
Kim & Kelly Deal (of the Breeders) in Cincinnati, Ohio at Shake It  
Chris Cornell and The Bad Plus in Minneapolis, Minnesota at Electric Fetus
The Bouncing Souls in New York, New York at Generation Records
Talib Kweli in New York, New York at Fat Beats 

Additionally, labels are amping up the celebration with limited-edition releases, compilations and reissues. Neil Young will make his first four Reprise Records available on vinyl and CD, while Metallica will reissue their catalog on vinyl. Def Jam will release DJ Bring That Back, a limited-edition 4-LP set which features LL Cool J, Slick Rick, Rihanna, Kanye West, Public Enemy, Jay-Z and more. There will also be free urban samplers from Universal Motown Republic Group (Asher Roth, Busta Rhymes), Warner Music Group (Mike Jones, Paul Wall) and Death Row Records (Petey Pablo, Danny Boy and Crooked I). Plus, be sure to check out the new split 7” vinyl single from Warner Bros. with Flaming Lips, Stardeath and White Dwarfs performing Madonna’s “Borderline” and The Black Keys covering Captain Beefheart’s “Her Eyes Are a Blue Million Miles.”

Look for other stellar in-store events and giveaways as well, like guest deejays, body painting, cook-outs, exclusive t-shirts -– even free Pabst Blue Ribbon at…yes, Vintage Vinyl.  

For more information and a complete list of participating stores, performances and releases, visit here.

The past two weekends, I watched the entire first season (six episodes) of the new HBO series, Eastbound & Down...and all I have to say is, “F*** yeah!”

Eastbound & Down tells the tale of curly-mulleted ex-MLB pitcher, Kenny Powers (Danny McBride). When Powers was a Major League superstar, he could throw a baseball “harder than fuck.” As a rookie, he led Atlanta to win a World Series Championship, and everyone wanted a piece of him. Then, Powers got a little too big for his jockstrap. He became a free agent, pissed off several teams with his colorful commentary, lost his almighty pitch, and his career went down the crapper. The series begins several years later, with Kenny Powers returning to his hometown of Shelby, North Carolina. There, he lives with his brother Dustin (John Hawkes) and teaches P.E. to kids who barely have pubes.

While Powers is stuck in Shelby, he strives to get back on top…well, when he’s not snorting coke in the middle school parking lot or taking ecstasy before the big dance. (At the function, he clears the floor, vomits profusely, then declares unapologetically to the faculty, “It’s the eggrolls, not the ecstasy.”) Despite his pathetic situation, Kenny Powers hasn’t lost his swagger — only his 101 mph pitch and the girl with his favorite ample “mounds” — his high school sweetheart April (Katy Mixon) who is engaged to Principal Cutler (Andrew Daly).

As part of his baseball comeback plan, he faithfully listens to his own motivational set of tapes, aptly titled I’m Fuckin’ In, You’re Fuckin’ Out. He also shoots steroids (just to kick-start his training regimen, of course) and recruits Stevie Janowski (Steve Little) as his personal assistant. Stevie, a music teacher at the middle school and former high school classmate who desperately wants to be as bad-ass as Kenny, will do anything for him, including take the rap for his alcohol-related crash.

Danny McBride is highly believable as the crass-talking, snakeskin boot-wearing, cocky redneck has-been Kenny Powers. But the best part is, you never know what’s going to come out of his mouth. Some of his gems include:

• [To April, at the school dance] “There’s one image in my life that consistently makes me happy, no matter when I think about it. And that image, that one image, is your big tits.”
• [At the cookout] “I don’t believe you’ve met my fuck-buddy, Tracy.”
• [To Tracy] “Honey, I love you. I think you’re a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead.”
• [While ordering a hooker over the phone] “Can I wear the Scream mask when I do you from behind?”
• [On his self-help tape] “I’ve got a rocket for an arm, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a scientist.”

At one point, Kenny reluctantly decides that he should retire and become “like normal folk. Just livin’ day to day without a dream.” He forlornly records his sign-off: “From this moment forward, the Peoples Champion, The Shelby Sensation, The Reverse Apache Master, The Man With the Golden Dick, Doctor Cock and Balls, that Kenny Powers, is now dead, and he will never pick up a baseball ever fucking again.”

It’s a sad day for Powers fans, but just when it looks like he’s hanging up his glove for good, he unleashes brute force at a pitch-off hosted by luxury car dealer Ashley Schaeffer (Will Ferrell). His fast-pitch is so powerful that it knocks the eyeball right out of his nemesis’s socket. Soon thereafter, the Majors come a-knockin’…or so Kenny thinks.

So many elements make this show brilliant -– from the title frame that freezes on a classic “Kenny Powers” moment while Freddie King’s bluesy classic “Going Down” wails in the background, to the motley cast of memorable characters, to the dead-on music for various scenes, like when Powers, clad in all-black, struts down the school hall to The Black Keys’ “Your Touch.”

While last Sunday marked the final episode of this raunchy, quotable show, it has been rumored that up to eight more episodes could be ordered by HBO. Unfortunately, nothing definite has been announced yet. In the meantime, I suggest you watch all six of the Eastbound & Down episodes On Demand…and prepare to laugh your f***ing ass off.

Facebook, MySpace and Friendster unknowingly invite online predators into their Three’s Company-esque digs, only to get their pedophile party crashed by the intrusive Mr. Furley. Scientists discover proof that life on Mars died out because the entire planet was gay. And Larry King interviews…a jar of peppercinis. Expect all of this and more, in much larger doses, starting this Friday on Current TV. It’s SuperNews’s twisted take on relevant news and pop culture in its new form –- a weekly half-hour series.

Like the short-form SuperNews animated sketch series (typically, it was under 10 minutes), this new half-hour show blazes down the same, brazen path, only it’s set to be more explosive than ever. Each episode guarantees to give a good satirical spanking to the latest headlines and worthy trends. Think of it as creator, writer and executive producer Josh Faure-Brac’s own clever way of saying, “What the @#$%?”

In the preview for the first episode, one sketch pokes fun at the often-ridiculous, random babbling on the social networking site Twitter. Cubicle Guy #1 says to Cubicle Guy #2: “Just got to work. Sitting in my chair now. Didn’t you get my tweets? I just twoted all over the place!” Another sketch highlights Michael Phelps’s second favorite hobby. (Hint: It involves water but not necessarily swimming in it.) And then there’s MTV’s sad, slow, painful death -– from the early ‘80s when it showcased revolutionary music videos, to the ‘90s and the birth of The Real World to the “Like, OMG!” mind-numbing episodes of The Hills and all of the other reality shows about rich, spoiled twenty-somethings, teens and tweens. It’s all the things that need to be mocked in a series of smart, hilarious adult cartoons.

For the show that’s bigger, ballsier and even more Super than the original, catch the half-hour premiere of Current TV’s SuperNews this Friday, March 20th at 10:00 p.m. ET/PT at current.com.

Current TV is notorious for its cutting-edge, compelling, informative and often bitingly funny programming. Rotten Tomatoes is known for its comprehensive, no-holds-barred reviews of the latest films and DVDs.  What happens when the two come together?  Unadulterated magic.

Last Thursday, March 5th, marked the premiere of The Rotten Tomatoes Show On Current, hosted by Brett Erlich (co-host/writer for Current’s infoMania) and Ellen Fox (trained writer/improvisational performer and former host of insidechicago.tv).  Not only does this comedic duo offer their fast-paced, clever take on movie premieres, cult favorites and DVD releases, they also sprinkle illuminative, offbeat bits throughout.  To come up with the Tomatometer rating, they invite writers, comedians and “citizen critics” to weigh in on which films were “fresh,” as well as which ones were a little ripe.  (Or, as the Tomatometer ranks them, “rotten.”) 

In the first episode, Erlich and Fox reviewed three films: Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun Li, Echelon Conspiracy and Crossing Over. They gave each the infamous Tomatometer percentage rating, as well as showed clips of viewer commentary.   (One viewer stated that, “Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun Li was ‘the movie to go get drunk and laugh at’-bad.”)  Additionally, they highlighted key cinematic details, like the fact that Shane West’s character was a little douche-y in The Echelon Conspiracy, and the “Australian chick” (Alice Eve) showed off her ta-tas for over half of Crossing Over.

Between reviews, they offered unconventional, thought-provoking segments.  In “The Quest For a Good Video Game Movie” segment, Erlich posed the question, “Can video-games-turned-movies [such as House of the Dead] come with an actual plot?”  He observed that this has yet to be done well.  Hmmm…maybe a Guitar Hero: The Pursuit of Power Chords movie would change all of that.  Or not.

In Trailer Time, new film trailers were discussed.  In last week’s episode, Fox decided that The Education of Charlie Banks looked like it could be a promising film, but then noted that it was directed by Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit fame. (Maybe he did this film for the nookie as well.)

Other segments included haiku reviews of DVD releases and viewer-submitted three-word reviews — both of which were brief yet humorous and profound.

Overall, the premiere episode was witty, smart and entertaining.  Unfortunately, it was a less-than-stellar week for movie releases.  (I think the fact that Madea Goes to Jail topped out at the Box Office says it all.) 

Catch The Rotten Tomatoes Show On Current every Thursday at 10:30 pm ET/PT. Viewers can log on to current.com to submit reviews for DVD releases.

Eagles of Death Metal

Last Thursday night — September 25, 2008 — Eagles of Death Metal and The Hives got the temple walls of LA’s Mayan Theatre shakin’ with their rock ‘n’ roll mayhem.

When Eagles of Death Metal hit the stage, lead singer Jesse “The Devil” Hughes exploded into their first song, “Don’t Speak (I Came To Make A Bang).”  And bang they did — with red-hot guitars from Darlin’ Dave Catching and Brian “Big Hands” O’Conner, plus hip-swingin’, hell-raisin’ beats from two drummers — Joey “The Sexy Mexi” Castillo and über-foxy Queens of the Stone Age front man Josh “Baby Duck” Homme.

The boys kept up a solid gold set with “Bad Dream Mama,” “I Like to Move in the Night,” “Speaking in Tongues,” and the single “Wannabe in LA” from their upcoming album Heart On, due out October 21st. Jesse mesmerized us with his devil-boogie magic and surly ‘stache.  (Is it just me, or does he look a little like Floyd from The Muppet Show?) Always quite the sweet-talker, he gave a shout-out to the ladies in the crowd.  Then he announced that it was his birthday the day before, and the band was celebrating with a post-show fiesta at the Velvet Margarita Cantina in Hollywood.  I must admit, I was extremely tempted to crash this bash.  How fun would it be to toss back a few tequila shots with these guys?  But I was curious to see what those debonair Swedes, The Hives, had up their sleeves.  And let me tell you, I’m glad I stayed, ’cause it was all-out rock ‘n’ roll brilliance.

Emulating unified ‘60s Brit band style, The Hives burst onto the stage in clean-cut, matching white suits with prep school crests on the coat pockets and black and white striped ties.  They shook up the crowd with a string of new and old favorites, including “Main Offender,” “Die, Alright!,” “Try It Again,” “Hate To Say I Told You So,” and “Two-Timing Touch and Broken Bones.”  It was enough to turn even the most casual head-bobber into a full-fledged dance-aholic.  Lead singer “Howlin” Pelle Almqvist channeled Mick Jagger with his hand-on-hip swagger across the stage. After the first three songs, I decided that drummer Chris Dangerous could also be called Chris Dextrous. He alternately pounded the skins and spiraled his sticks in the air without missing a beat.

The Hives

All throughout the show, Pelle roused the crowd like a rock ‘n’ roll evangelist:  “Ladies and gentleman, we have us a brand new song and we would like to play it for you.  Do you understand me?”  By the sound of the cheering crowd, they did indeed.

Matching jackets and ties came off, sleeves were rolled up…The Hives were down to serious “we’re-not-gonna-stop-‘til-you-surrender-to-the-rock” business. The longer they played, the sweatier they got until nearly all were soaked through their white, button-down shirts.  Once Pelle’s hair was drenched in sweat, he was the spitting image of Jim Carrey.  I half-expected him to blurt out, “Somebody stop me!”

Every song was blazing out of control and there was no letting us down easy, so these gents took it all the way home.  Even near the close of the show, the fans leaning on the back bar set their vodka tonics down for a “Diabolic Scheme” dance-break.

With The Eagles of Death Metal delivering Death By Sexy and The Hives keeping us “too messed up to even settle down,” this was one dance party that had the congregation shouting “Hallelujah!” for rock ‘n’ roll.

This was my first time seeing these mavericks perform live.  And they did not disappoint. When The Ringers hit the stage, they were cocked, loaded, and ready to explode.  The second they launched full musical assault, bodies bounced in unison and didn’t stop until the final song. 

Note:  Earlier that night, in the bathroom, a couple of girls who had driven down from Santa Barbara told me that the place to be at a Ringers show was front and center, right by the stage.  I took their cue and squeezed myself in with the other wanting fans.  And man, these girls weren’t kidding.  The energy was insane. Asses shook.  Slick bodies slid up against each other in a pool of reckless abandon. Hair, cheeks, arms, chests, and breasts were soaking wet in the glorious glow of rock ‘n’ roll.

Raspy-voiced lead singer Joe Hursley, clad only in leopard-print Speedos, striped thigh-high tights, and Western fringed sleeves, fluttered all over the tiny stage – at times, throwing his sweat-drenched body into the crowd. At one point, he pulled his Speedos out and hawked a throat rocket into them.  Hell, it was all the same–wet, sweat, phlegm.

The boys shook it up with “Holy Zipper,” “Apocalypto,” and other raucous tracks from their upcoming album, Headlocks & Highkicks, due out in Fall 2008. They also injected their set list with sexalicious selections from their debut album Tokyo Massage III on indie label Fort Mason Entertainment, including “High-Heeled Lady,” “Tokyo Massage,” and “Keepin’ Your Head Up.”  And, of course, they made sure we had the Fever – “Beaver Fever.”  The show was non-stop, rock-your-face-off action, even when the mic erupted from its cord and was hastily taped back on. 

If The Ringers’ name sounds familiar, you may have caught a glimpse of them tearing it up at the S.H.I.T. party on Accepted, currently showing on HBO.  But that’s just a taste of their penetrating sound.  Trust me, you want more. 

Clearly, these guys are all about doing it live.

Michelle Spencer: Do you have any nicknames?

Josh Faure-Brac: Any mispronunciation of my last name will do: “Fraken Bak,” “Fava Beans,” “Fraggle Rock,” etc.

MS: Why do you create and write SuperNews!?

JFB: The world needs to know what I think about things.

MS: What is watching SuperNews! like?

JFB: If “funny” walked up and gave you a big hug.

MS: What is your favorite SuperNews! Episode?

JFB: The immigration debate of 1621. Drunk eagles and racist buffalos…you can’t go wrong with that combination.

MS: Is there anything you can do that is “super”?

JFB: Read my cat’s mind. I know what she’s thinking. Well, Sasha, I might be a screw-up, but at least I don’t eat lizard tails and get sick on the carpet.

MS: Do you use MySpace, FaceBook, Friendster, or Second Life?

JFB: Yes, and see them all in this episode.

MS: What do you suggest to ensure successful text flirting (a.k.a. flirtxting)?

JFB: Never hesitate. Drink heavily. And go straight to the dirty talk. Stick with those rules and you will absolutely never fail.

MS: What was your last text message like?

JFB: Completely unsuccessful. Don’t ever take advice from me on anything.

MS: If Blue Collar Hillary hit a karaoke bar, what would her song be?

JFB: “Piss Up a Rope” by Ween or “The Final Countdown” by Europe.

MS: What is a character voice no one knows you can do?

JFB: My boss, Al Gore. I keep that one on the DL.

MS: On real TV, what is there just not enough of?

JFB: Bloopers. I want every TV show to dedicate at least the first five minutes to bloopers and out-takes. This includes ER, all the CSIs, and cable news. I bet Christiana Amanpour is sitting on a treasure trove of flubbed pronunciations and F-bombs.

MS: What can you often be found wearing?

JFB: Mandom. Look that up on YouTube. You’ll be glad you did.

MS: What are you most likely to get arrested for?

JFB: Starting a religious cult where I’m the messiah and I take everybody’s money and sail away on a kick-ass messiah yacht.

MS: What is your favorite TV theme song?

JFB: The theme to SuperNews!, of course! It’s a song called “Hot Threeway Action” by my own band Ghetto Blaster.

MS: If the 2008 presidential race, thus far, was a movie, what would it be called?

JFB: Goonies.

MS: Why should people check out SuperNews!?

JFB: You’ll be the coolest kid at the office when you show it to your co-workers.

Looking for love in all the wrong cyber-places? Perhaps match.com and eharmony.com aren’t for you.

Really, amongst the thousands of profiles posted on these sites, it would be nearly impossible to find a tall vegetarian biker who loves Joy Division—if that’s what you’re into. However, there are sites that will cater to more specific qualifications. From Pixies to ponies to pot, your soulmate could be waiting for you at any one of the following niche sites…

Datemypet.com
Dog may be man’s best friend, but sometimes man would enjoy something more like a shared appreciation for independent film or consensual sex. That’s where datemypet.com comes in. While it sounds a bit like a bestiality site, rest assured it’s not. It’s a dating site for those who really love their dogs…or cats…or ferrets…or whatever animal they have on their screensaver. And pet owners aren’t the only ones getting dates. You could hook your Schnauzer up with someone’s frisky Cocker Spaniel as well. Hell, you could probably even create your own “Island of Dr Moreau”-esque breed, if you wanted. Maybe this is how the Liger came about.

Gocougar.com
Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson. Jesus isn’t the only one who loves you. If you’re a younger man who likes ‘em older or a hot, older woman who needs a strapping young pup to stir her pot, perhaps you should sign up for gocougar.com. This site boasts that it’s the premiere online community for mature women who prefer to date younger men. We’re talkin’ MILFs and GILFs galore.

18wheelsingles.com
“Breaker, breaker 1-9, this is Lone Wolf callin’ out. Do you read me? I’m headin’ into the Big A on Beaver Patrol and lookin’ for some company. Bring it back.” If you’re driving the lonesome highway and you think it’s about time to settle down with a co-pilot, make a pit stop at this singles site specially geared for truck drivers. You might just get 10-4 on your copy that could steer you down the path of love.

Rocknrolldating.com
As Rob Gordon says in Nick Hornby’s “High Fidelity,” “Books, records, films…these things matter.” So if music is your hot, hot sex, perhaps you should peruse the peeps at rocknrolldating.com. From band guys to groupies, to DJs to those who really dig live shows and their iPods, you and your rockin’ cohort could bond over your love of Bowie…and later, knock boots to R. Kelly.

Intelligentpeople.com
Extreme intellectuals probably get bored on a lot of their dates. “Did you see the South Park episode where Stan’s dad tried to create the world’s largest poo?” probably doesn’t put the lotion in their baskets. Unlike those with lesser intelligence, they want their brains to be stimulated just as much as the other parts. The solution? A dating site especially for brainiacs called intelligentpeople.com. Not so fast, though, smarty-pants. Site visitors must pass an I.Q. test to see if they can join. And the sad thing is…if you don’t pass the test, you’re unintelligent (at least, according to their I.Q. standards)…AND dateless. However, if you were blessed by a symmetric face and a smokin’ bod, the next two sites might be your salvation…

Darwindating.com
This site, for exceptionally beautiful people, is sort of like the high school of online dating destinations. “Ew, sorry! You have an overbite. We think Yahoo!Personals would be more your speed.” Their “natural selection” process excludes the following: saggy boobs, sweat patches, nerdy glasses, pocket protectors, weird pubic hair (I’m not sure what they mean by this one), mullets, fat rolls, acne, out-of-proportion noses, non-symmetrical faces or bodies, red hair and too many freckles (really?), hair in the wrong places on women, too much hair in the wrong places on men (well, yeah…), pasty skin, patchy skin–especially if there’s a tendency to flake on others, disproportionately large ears, lack of personal hygiene, and out of date fashions, among other things.

A similar site is hotenough.org. If you’re a highly attractive male or female, what are you waiting for? Get your pretty little self onto this site, and before you know it, you’ll have a completely forgettable relationship with an equally pretty person.

Potpartner.com
If your dream date rolls with a dime bag, light one up and log on to potpartner.com. No worries about admitting your love of weed. Here you’ll find an equally enthusiastic partner. And if things work out, you might be headed for bliss—THC, as well as love. Only instead of taking long walks on the beach, the two of you bud-loving lovebirds will more likely be enjoying lengthy stares into light fixtures and fish tanks.

Millionairematch.com or Sugardaddie.com
Now I ain’t sayin’ you’re a gold digger. But if you were, here’s where you could go to snag yourself an Oprah or Bill. Of course, if you’re already rockin’ serious coin, it’s a promising way to meet others who share your tax bracket. (Or you could just call the matchmaker chick who has her own show on Bravo TV.)

Tallfriends.com
If you’re of elevated stature and have difficulty finding a date to look you in the eyes, check out tallfriends.com. True, it seems like a genetic experiment to see who can produce the tallest child. But at least the two of you won’t be a loss for words, as you trade war stories about struggling to find pants long enough at The Gap, or carrying around the nickname “Stretch” for the majority of your teen years.

Tattooedsingles.com
If a healthy dose of ink gets your heart beating double-time, then tattooedsingles.com is callin’ your name. And hey, it’s probably the only site where you can get away with saying, “Nice tats” in your opener e-mail.

Equestriancupid.com
And lastly, for singles who really love horses, there’s equestriancupid.com. Besides being the ideal place to help country-lovin’ folk get back in the saddle, there’s an equestrian blog, equestrian videos, horse greeting cards, and online horse chat. (I assume it’s not actually horses chatting.) Place a free ad and prospects are good that you’ll find your special cowboy/cowgirl. Ride that pony.

Mammoth breasts squeezed into tiny, lace-up leather corsets. Hysterical sobbing coupled with mascara-blackened tears. The omnipresent bandana or cowboy hat accoutrement. I swore I wouldn’t become obsessed with the train wreck that was Rock of Love, Season 2. But once again, I got sucked into the abyss.

What was it about this “reality” show centered on Bret Michaels’s quest for a skank-a-licious soulmate that was so addictive? Maybe the magic was in the show’s formula:

Take a bevy of tatted-up strippers, porn stars, aspiring actresses, rocker chicks, groupies, and girls with enough baggage to fill the Poison tour bus, and put them up in the same Hollywood mansion. Most of these Look What the Cat Dragged In ladies had breast implants, augmented lips, or both. A couple of the women appeared to be post-op transsexuals. One had Peg Bundy hair. There was also a girl with a French accent. She licked chocolate off of her own faux teets and talked non-stop about how she hoped to have zex wiz Bret. Another girl was an attention-whore who, while vying for Bret’s love, was still legally married. The others immediately decided to hate her.

Give them a series of challenges where the potential is high for partial nudity and/or girl-on-girl action–from writhing around like sex-starved amputees in a music video for one of Bret’s songs, to performing a titillating peep show that showcased their best ass-ets, to tossing around the pigskin in barely-there jerseys, to guarding a baby Bret doll strapped in a stroller while getting pummeled by the L.A. Derby Dolls. (Personally, I think a Strip Spelling Bee should have been included in the mix.)

Encourage them to drink like frat boys to see if they’re cut out for the hard-partying lifestyle that comes with being Bret’s ball and chain. Of course, one of these girls got so wasted that she ended up expelling five shots of whisky, some fried chicken fingers, and most likely her birth control in a nearby trashcan. She just wanted to prove that she wasn’t sweet and innocent. Unfortunately, her aspirations of being as whorish as the others didn’t work.

Capture seemingly candid, thoughtful exchanges between the girls—like when Kristi Jo exclaimed to Missi, “I love horses. They’re so pretty!” And Missi replied earnestly, “I love horses too.”

Lastly, include numerous on-camera outpourings of emotion. In Rock of Love 2’s final episode, the over-inflated Daisy De La Hoya wistfully cried, “I wanna win Bret’s heart more than anything in the universe. Like, I love him!” When she ended up losing him, she blathered through on-camera sobs, “I just want to curl up in a ball and eat a lot of ice cream.”

This combination of elements was probably what compelled me to waste 15 hours of my life on this show. Or maybe I’m secretly in love with Bret Michaels. Regardless, I got a little misty during last Sunday night’s season finale. I was not only surprised but also touched by Bret’s choice. From the 20 “Talk Dirty To Me” tramps, Bret chose Ambre, the 37-year-old newscaster from Chicago, as his Rock of Love. She didn’t have breast implants, nor is she a stripper or party girl. She didn’t vomit on her toddler-sized t-shirt or rub ‘ho-made French dessert on her ta-tas. Apparently, she has her act together (well, compared to the others) and is, according to the rock god who’s been with countless girls—including Pammy Anderson–an extremely good kisser. It’s TV moments like this that “Give Me Something To Believe In.”

For Bret and Ambre’s sake, I hope it works out. Then again, there is supposedly a clause in the Rock of Love contract that states that the winner can’t see Bret for six months after the final episode. This means that the likelihood of these two sharing a drunken night at Saddle Ranch with Big John and his main skeeze are slim. Oh well. Every rose has its thorn. This just means there’s a good chance that Bret will be back for more in Season 3.

Don’t expect me to watch, though.

Eh, who am I kidding?