Ah, the Super Bowl. I remember it like it was yesterday (this joke has an expiration date of Monday, February 8, 2010). Streamers streaming, announcers announcing and commercials advertising. Jest aside, Super Bowl XXIV was pretty awesome. It started out looking like Peyton Manning was some kind of engineered and unstoppable Ivan Draco having his will with the field and then the New Orleans Rockys…er, Saints woke up, seized the goodwill of a nation and their own underdog fight, and won the day. It was really cool, actually, especially to see Saints QB and Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees lifting his 11-month-old son in his arms, tears welling up in his own eyes, looking at a lifelong goal achieved. Sigh. Football, I will miss you. But this isn’t a sports page — it’s an arts page, a media page, an events page. And while the Super Bowl offers the height of sport, it’s also an unofficial American holiday (Don’t believe it? Ask the French quarter of New Orleans, where schools, businesses, etc. have taken to closing), and one of the funnest parts of that holiday is opening up shiny new commercials. There’s no better opportunity for a company, product or person to get the attention of a nation, and every year the stakes grow higher — to the tune of three million dollars this year for a 30-second spot. But what’s priceless is the buzz around water-coolers, message boards and columns like this one. So here I go to give all those fat-cats and celebs their money’s worth.

The Most Shocking Ad:

Forget sex or talking animals. This year’s biggest jaw-dropper to me was the ad that put David Letterman on a couch with Oprah (a whoa moment) and Jay Leno (a whhhhhhaaaaaaatttt moment). After the very public villainizing of Leno, and Letterman’s leading of that charge, this commercial came off as shocking and a bit confusing, mandating many a Google to figure out just how this happened. Check out Dave’s explanation (and the ad) here.

Personally, I think that while Letterman found it funny, I think he looks like he’s lost some of his convictions by getting comfy with the chin. Oh well.

Worst Ads:

Danica Patricks “Go Daddy” commercials. First of all, how does a site that functions purely as a domain registry service: a) afford this much ad space; b) even matter to but a few million Americans tuning in. Honestly, this isn’t Coke we’re talking about here.

But these commercials are just plain horrible — like a five-year-old who thinks babies come from storks trying to write soft-core pornography. It makes me want to start a maleist movement for how degrading I think they are to my sex. “Man dumb. Man see car lady wear tight cowhide. Man think other ladies losum clothesum too. Man see boob on picture box?! MAN WANT NOW! MAN REGISTER DOMAIN NAME FOR MANWANTBOOB.COM!!!”

An asinine waste.

The Big Deal That Wasn’t:

Football Hercules Tim Tebow’s anti-abortion commercial where you absolutely had no idea that it had anything to do with abortion if you haven’t been following the media for the past few weeks. It ended up seeming like a commercial about a boy tackling his mom. Because she wanted to abort him? I’m confused.

The Best Ad For Football Fans:

Boost Mobile’s hilarious remake of the 1985 Chicago Bears’ “Super Bowl Shuffle” featuring most of the original team and moves, only now with the addition of Bears’ coach Mike Ditka — one of the faces that would be enshrined on football’s Mount Rushmore if there was one. This ad came on literally moments after my Dad was reminiscing the original Shuffle. Still a classic, even with the Boost.

The Nice Try Government Award:

The ad for the Census. The Census Bureau tries to be hip. “Look at our vaguely familiar comedians! Look, they’re saying kind of funny stuff in The Office-style. You love The Office, right? People love The Office!” It came off as confusing and nonsensical. I doubt even Barack Obama got it.

The Most Absurd:

Diamond Food’s commercial where an insane ringmaster gets people jumping through burning hoops and other Sea World feats for peanuts and stuff. It was like Andy Samberg took over their marketing department. It was nuts. Get it? Nuts. Eh…

Best Punchline:

Tracy Morgan asking Stevie Wonder how he plays the VW punching game in the VW commercial. Ya know, because he’s blind. I was thinking it might offend blind people, but…

Best Series of Commercials on Behalf of a Brand:

E Trade’s trademark talking baby, who tied for best punchline with the “milkaholic” bit. Babies talking stocks? Hilarious. Sounding more competent than the Wall Street Gordon Geckos that got our country into this mess? Sad. Speaking of which…

Other Brands:

Coke:

While they didn’t offer any classics, The Simpsons‘ ad where Mr. Burns loses his fortune was some funny stuff. At first, I felt like The Simpsons were selling out until I realized they’ve pretty much sold everything ever. The African sleepwalk thing later wasn’t bad either.

Budweiser:

We are long from the days of talking frogs. RIPBET. Sorry, I meant RIP. This year, the king of beers gave us a strange commercial about a human bridge, T-Pain (but without a hat — does that even count?), a house made of cans and a shoddy effort involving a cow. But the spot featuring an island full of crash survivors merely looking to party and turning burning engines into hot tubs? Spot-on.

Doritos:

Woof. Literally, your spot about the dog torturing a man for chips hardly depicted man’s best friend in the cuddly light we’d all prefer with our Super Bowl. The rest wasn’t much better.

Snickers:

USA Today’s favorite commercial, and honestly one of the top handful, had famous and good sport geezers Betty White and Abe Vigoda getting laid out in a game of backyard, Brett Favre, Wrangler-style football. Hilarious and good-spirited.

Car Commercials:

Kia’s joy-riding toys ad for the win. Dodge Charger’s “Man’s Last Stand” bit for the runner-up, and for being a much better executed idea than Dove’s similarly themed ad where, at one point, man was in a bath tub with three smaller men who were supposed to be his children — icky. Brett Favre honorable mention for Hyundai, where he’s depicted still playing in 2020. Sorry, I love Brett Favre.

Movie Trailers:

Universal’s Robin Hood: There’s no escaping that this historical epic, which throws Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe back together again, is Gladiator redux, especially when one remembers that that film made its cultural presence known with a Super Bowl ad exactly ten years ago. Still, this was a well-cut, gritty, quick glimpse and marks the first time I’ve actually been excited about the flick.

Paramount’s Shutter Island: Played well on Scorsese’s resume and portrayed what should be a tense but also visually arresting time at the movies. While I was already excited for this one, the ad might put it over the top with the movie-going conscious of America.

Disney’s Alice in Wonderland: If anyone’s pot brownies kicked in early before The Who’s electric halftime show (props, by the way, Who) they were rewarded with this trailer that showed the twisted colors and shades of Tim Burton’s CGI-ish interpretation of Wonderland, and also the scope of his vision. That was a dragon at the end, right? Or were those brownies…hey, wait a minute!

Disney’s Prince of Persia: Disney’s gambit to have a follow-up franchise to Pirates of the Caribbean looks to be a safe one. This Bruckheimer-produced SFX period epic based on a video game is going to bring it. Hard. Jake Gyllenhal’s strange accent be damned.

My Personal Favorite Ad:

Google’s “Parisian Love.” It wasn’t funny, but it did what the best products and services do today: cut through the gimmicky technological din to deliver a sleek, simple product that we appreciate for its interface — usefulness and accessibility. It’s like how iPod re-invented the wheel by using one.

The ad was touching, sincere and true to our current life, which, to me, makes it a classic. I loved the simple piano score and the little details, like misspellings. (Someone who probably doesn’t see the charm in misspellings? My editor.) It depicted someone initially searching for study abroad programs in France, to eventually Googling how to assemble a crib with baby coo-coos in the background. For the record: not a word ten years ago: “Googling.” That’s why this ad is cool. It’s how far we’ve come but how much we’ve stayed the same. C’est magnifique.

Of course, there were other ads — ads featuring a soggy Megan Fox, a lumbering Charles Barkley writing poetry for Taco Bell, Chevy Chase reprising his most famous role, even. But I’m sorry if I couldn’t get to them all. I was a little distracted by a football game.

Until next year, America.

All the Super Bowl ads can be found by following this link.

Enjoy.