I was flipping past VH1 the other day, and I saw a teaser for a show with people talking about sex. Mind you, this could qualify as any current reality-based show on that network, so I waited a few seconds, and there it was: Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. First thought: Good Lord! Second thought: Are you kidding me? Third thought: Of course not — you’re VH1.

VH1’s latest installment in poor-taste television debuted last night. Here’s the deal: A few years back, VH1 hopped onto the reality television craze by adding celebrities to the formula…but not just any celebrities — has-been celebrities. Celebrities who were popular 15 years ago. Celebrities who were on Baywatch and pro-wrestling shows and in Baldwin movies. Celebrities who, shall we say, have enough free time and lack of current employment to be in a reality show. That’s not really the point, though. The point is VH1 had The Surreal Life, which was a take-off of The Real World, but instead of regular annoying people, they brought in the famous annoying people and watched as chaos ensued. I actually enjoyed that show. Then they brought in Celebrity Fit Club, which took all those fat, out-of-shape, washed-up celebrities and tried to get them in shape. Oh, but wait — they can’t get into shape because (dramatic pause) they’re on drugs! Oh goodness, the suits took two steps back and thought, “What do we do now? Here’s an idea — let’s put the addicts in a house, like The Surreal Life, but we can’t use that name, so we’ll just be more to the point. They’re in Celebrity Rehab, which is similar to rehab but with more famous people and cameras. And we’ll bring in Dr. Drew for good measure.”

A side note: I used to think Dr. Drew was a pretty cool guy. He was a younger, cooler doctor who knew about teenage sex problems and was there to help. He was on television late at night with Adam Carolla and various punk musicians, no less, but he still knew what he was talking about. So I thought he was cool and was doing a public service…but after the 18^th show about famous people with health issues, I’m sort of beginning to think he’s milking the cameras and the attention. I’m just saying.

Back to Celebrity Rehab. This show was an abomination. A horrible sight to see. Apparently they didn’t have enough washed-up celebrities to put on camera, so they had to bring in fake celebrities like Rodney King. I’m sorry about what happened to him in 1991, but that doesn’t make him a celebrity. So he’s there, and then various models showed up. I know — models on drugs? What sick, twisted world is this?  Even drugged out Jeff Conaway showed up, and by “showed up” I mean was pushed out of a moving car by his girlfriend on her way to wherever she goes in the morning. Jeff Conaway, who apparently was in Grease 30 years ago, is in his 50s and moves like he’s been hit by a car. Maybe he was — who am I to say? His body is ravaged by drugs and it’s very sad, but somehow he and the cameras find their way toward one another time and time again. The point being: this collection of decrepit, screwed-up non-celebrities is no place for a television camera, unless those cameras belong to VH1. I saw a few episodes of this program, and after watching a few zombies go through withdrawal as the camera rolled, I felt impure and had to change the channel.

Dr. Drew and Jill

This all brings us to Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, the latest installment in the Dr. Drew/VH1 chronicles. As it turns out, this particular rehab program will be with pseudo-celebrities in addition to regular people who suffer from sex addiction. They nixed the idea of celebrity sex addicts because no one wants to see a sex-addicted celebrity — and by no one I mean everyone. Unfortunately, I don’t know a lot about sex addiction, having never experienced it. I figured it’s like being an adult film star without the money and the cameras and the three other people.

The first two contestants on the Price is Sex Addiction…I mean Sex Rehab are a pro-surfer and a sex performer. A sex performer addicted to sex? As Elaine Benes would say: Get out! So it’s the shaggy-haired surfer dude who has a porn television in his car next to his steering wheel and various cameras going while he beds women. Not such a bad life, eh?  But he’s a sex addict, and this addiction has destroyed his life. In steps Dr. Drew. The good doctor finds a growth in his throat consistent with the Human Papilloma Virus and the fun begins. You might want to get that checked out.

Up next is our sex performer addict. She’s basically a dominatrix who cannot have sex with someone she cares about, as opposed to being a caring dominatrix. She shows up with a lot of “equipment” and it’s all promptly taken away and put in the staff break-room. We have a tearful moment when this woman discusses how being a sex performer has ruined her relationships with men. You think?

David Duchovny is famous for being in The X-Files and being an admitted sex addict. He is not part of this program, which is a good thing. It would be a better thing if no one was a part of this show and VH1 stuck with slightly less cringe-inducing programming. I will take the woman now known as “New York” and Kevin Federline trying to lose weight any day over people using their addictions for fame and fortune.