One of the angriest moments in my life occurred when I was in sixth grade, sitting in the back row of the classroom next to this kid, Steven, who shared my passion for epic guitar solos, flaming drumsets, guns, hot chicks and muscle cars, and anything else that titillates the mind of a 12-year-old boy toeing the starting line of adolescence somewhere in the wastelands south of the Dallas suburbs. 

“My parents got KISS tickets, man!!” Steven boasted, thumbing his way through the album leaf of Love Gun.

“What…?  You’re going to…?”  I stammered.

“Yeah, man…next Friday!!” 

I held in the rage of my jealousy.  Not two weeks before (it seemed), Steve’s parents had taken him to see Aerosmith, and now Steve was riding the gravy train of his parent’s benevolence straight to the echelon of all that is Rock and Roll and Alive: KISS back on stage AND IN FULL MAKEUP!!!

It’s been more than 15 years since that moment, and I’m still reeling in my jealous anger.

Yet, even more, the fires of my desire to see KISS live on stage in full makeup — Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, and Peter Criss (Starchild, The Demon, Spaceman, and Catman…all on stage!?!  The Knights In Satan’s Service!?!) – have only mounted to unquenchable burning heights over these years, and I’ve been known to hit KISS binges that involve nothing but KISS on the speakers for nearly a month…and a tendency to dig through the lady’s makeup at inopportune moments to don the Spaceman’s countenance and rip a few licks off “C’mon and Love Me” at full tilt on the rooftop at 2:00 a.m.…

Ah…but enough already of my KISS fanaticism…or is it?

I think the latest debacle in the KISS Empire allows us the permission to beg that question with utmost and urgent sincerity…to dig deep down in the darkest recesses of our subconscious and inquire: Are we soldiers in the KISS Army?

The news in reference here that I speak of is the announcement that (according to their website):

“The hottest band in the world, KISS, will tour this fall, and they want YOU, the KISS ARMY, to choose which cities they’ll play!

In the first-ever fan-routed tour, KISS will take votes straight from the KISS ARMY! The entire 2009 tour will be determined by the cities with the most votes. Watch the tour unfold in real time as voting continues and city rankings are updated!”

Yes, the marketing behind these made-up machismo maniacs of Rock and Roll madness never ends. Now, they’re pluggin’ their next tour into the democratic fever that seems to be thinning out the blood of the entertainment industry through the American Idols, The Biggest Losers, and what-have-you. 

(I should be a critical bastard here and make all kinds of pseudo-intellectual and hip notes about the shameless capitalism that ruins bands like KISS and defames the very name of Rock and Roll… Most of the poseur beats and elite nancies who write music reviews on their laptops in organic coffee shops on weekday mornings over lattes and blueberry muffins probably have or are doing and saying these very things right now as we speak…)

But this is KISS we’re talking about!!!!  Not Nickelback or Kenny Chesney…

THIS IS KISS!!!!

I’ve got 15 years of a grudge on this show, and even more years of putting Alive! in the tapedeck of my Sony Walkman and dreaming about what it must feel like to hear this caliber of Rock in the flesh — blood spilling from their throats, the platform boots, the metal, the fire, the distortion, the glory that is…KISS live!!!

Put your vote in!