We’re less than a week away from this years Academy Awards, and every armchair critic in America is ready with this year’s predictions.  Regardless of who wins, one thing is all but certain: This year’s telecast will be the blandest in Oscar history.  The odd choice of picking Hugh Jackman as host leaves even his biggest fans scratching their heads.  Clearly charming enough, Jackman lacks the comedic presence to sustain the often three-hour-plus telecast from going flat.  A much wiser choice would have been Ricky Gervais, who stole the show at this year’s Golden Globe Awards with off-the-cuff banter about being overlooked for his performance in the box office dud, Ghost Town.

That being said, as you ready your ballots for the office Oscar pool, don’t make the mistake many people make in choosing candidates you hope will win.  The Academy rarely, if ever, votes with the public.  So if you really want to win, you need to think like an Academy voter.

Here are my predictions of the way the evening will play out, including possibilities for surprising upsets, like when Alan Arkin stole the Best Supporting win from Eddie Murphy, or when Marissa Tomei won Best Supporting Actress for the light-weight comedy, My Cousin Vinny.

BEST PICTURE: Slumdog Millionaire.  This movie has generated a never-ending buzz since its initial release. The countless wins it’s already got under its belt ensures this year’s Best Picture award.  If, by some chance, a miracle upset occurs, Milk will take the title.  The real miracle, however, is how Benjamin Button managed to bamboozle as many Academy voters to garner as many nominations as it has this year — overlooking such gems as Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino.  That said, Slumdog wins by a mile.

BEST ACTOR:  Clearly a two-man race between Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler and Sean Penn in Milk.  The winner will be Sean Penn, a perennial nominee and one-time winner.  Rourke could have put up a decent fight for the gold, but his off-screen persona and off-color remarks at the Globes definitely sway Academy voters away.  If properly marketed from the start, this race would be between Penn and Frank Langella, for a truly Oscar-worthy performance in Frost/Nixon.  Brad Pitt should have no problem nailing his “not surprised” look when the winner is announced.

BEST ACTRESS:  The Oscar will go to…Kate Winslet — The Reader.  Though, personally, I’d much rather see Meryl Streep win for her performance in Doubt, it’s another case of Oscar marketing. The Reader received much more buzz-worthy accolades, slightly outshining Meryl this year.  Plus, since she’s already won a half-dozen statuettes to begin with, the Academy will probably be inclined to spread the wealth — especially since Winslet won two Golden Globes this year for separate performances.  The rest of the nominees — not a chance, unless they’re shooting for “Best Dressed” in this year’s People poll.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:  No bother listing the nominees…Heath Ledger will win for The Dark Knight. Though an incredibly flawed sequel (was there really a reason to tell the Harvey Dent story when you have Heath Ledger playing the Joker?), Heath delivered a flawless performance that will forever eclipse Jack Nicholson’s over-the-top 1989 performance that gave us “Wait’ll they get a load of me.”  Despite stand-out competition from Josh Brolin in Milk and Philip Seymour Hoffman in Doubt, Heath should and will win posthumously.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:  Another year of outstanding performances both by Amy Adams in Doubt, Viola Davis for the same picture, and Marisa Tomei’s interesting comeback in The Wrestler, this year’s Oscar will go to Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona.  Mixing just enough tempestuousness with a certain degree of insanity, Penelope will be joining Diane Weist, Mira Sorvino, and Diane Keaton as Woody Allen’s Oscar-winning players.

BEST DIRECTOR:  Unless by some miracle somebody slipped something else in the Academy Kool-Aid (causing them to award the benign Curious Case of Benjamin Button so many nominations), the Oscar will go to the incredibly talented and versatile director Danny Boyle for his job in directing Slumdog Millionaire.  But given Button is so undeservingly nominated, there just might be a backlash against Boyle, giving the prize to the otherwise gifted David Fincher…but don’t bet on it.  Slumdog will win by a head.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:  Milk will win, simply because it’s the only Best Picture nominee of the bunch.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:  This could be the one “Wheel of Fortune” category, since nominees Doubt, Frost/Nixon, The Reader, and the not-so Curious Case of Benjamin Button will all but be overlooked.  But the prize will go to Slumdog, giving every credit card and service operator in the country reason to rejoice.

The rest of the evening will be split with technical and musical awards.  Here’s where Button may clean up — sharing, of course, some of the winnings with Dark Knight and current favorite, Slumdog.  Best Animated Movie will go to Wall-E.

So there you have it; roughly four hours of award patter condensed to less than a web page for your viewing and/or voting pleasure.

…If only the night could move as quickly.