The claim “misery loves company” is false.  Let me illustrate.  A number of years ago, my endocrinologist asked if I was feeling depressed.  I looked up at her in disbelief.  “As opposed to what?”  She might as well have asked me what happened before the Big Bang.  That’s the thing about misery.  It has no beginning, no end.  Love?  Company?  Take a seat.  Or don’t.  Whatever.

The fact is, we are alone in our respective miseries, and wanting to drag others down with us is simply too much effort.  Things are plenty miserable enough just as they are, thank you very much.  At the end of the day, Misery just wants to be left the heck alone.  Besides, if I may quote Sartre somewhat out of context, “Hell is other people.”

This doesn’t mean, however, that a big fat list of things to be miserable about isn’t welcome.  It is.  After all, if there’s something to be miserable about and you don’t know it yet, you’ll be in for a (disappointing) surprise when you find out about it.  It’s best to be on your guard.  Have that list with you at all times.  So it’s nice to have the new pocket-sized book by the brother and sister team of Lia and Nick Romeo.

Although misery doesn’t need or want company, it’s still a little heartened when it recognizes one of its own.  Thus, I was pleased to receive this fabulous little book and read in the Introduction: “the truth is…life basically sucks.”  This melodious counterpoint to 14,000 Things to be Happy About is organized around the afore-quoted principle.  It’s a list of the myriad ways in which life sucks, and it’s pretty well on target.  (Any list that includes L.A. traffic is okay in my book.)  The list is in no particular order — just a “stream of consciousness” collection that includes the obvious miseries like genocide, unreciprocated oral sex, gas station bathrooms, talking to automated phone systems, and realizing your order is wrong after the delivery guy has left.  It also contains some not so obvious ones, like bed rest — I’m still trying to figure out how in the world that could possibly be miserable.  It sounds to me like an ingredient in one of the best days ever.  But that’s just part of the fun of the Romeos’ book.  There’s misery for everyone.  You just have to find the ones that match up with your particular wretchedness.

11,002 Things to be Miserable About is dedicated, naturally, to the siblings’ parents, “who made all the misery possible.”  Testify!  That’s good parenting, right there.  I don’t have children of my own, but I always do my best to impart the wisdom of misery to the little ones others have spawned.  For example, when I see a child crying in a store over a spilled ice cream or some other injustice, I crouch down to get eye-level with the little booger, close my eyes as if in prayer, and nod my head in deep understanding.  Then I say quietly, “Get used to it, kid.  It’s all downhill from here.”  You see, the Romeo kids’ parents had it right.  Let ‘em know what’s what early on.  Then there’s no surprise.  No expectation.  No disappointment.  No fear.  That’s right — fear.

You see, sadly, a lot of people live in fear when they should be living in misery.  I, for one, grew up in fear.  It was like skin.  Or air.  Clearly, I wasn’t raised right.  In fact, it’s taken me a considerable number of years to realize that being miserable is superior to being afraid.  The latter is a waste of time, while the former is a legitimate response to reality.  Some may argue that fear is a form of misery, but I’d rather say it’s an imposter.  In actuality, fear presupposes hope.  Misery is under no such illusion.

11,002 Things to be Miserable About is definitely good stuff.  It’s the perfect gift book, travel companion, workplace bible (if you still have a job these days), bedtime, airplane, and bathroom reading.  Really, I haven’t yet found a circumstance where the book isn’t appropriate.  What better recommendation is that?

I should point out that I do have one minor criticism.  So far as I can tell, Lia and Nick missed a couple, from respectively, Dostoyevsky and Kierkegaard: “To be conscious is an illness.”  “Marry and you will regret it.  Do not marry and you will regret it.  Marry or do not marry.  You will regret it either way.”  Maybe they can add those to the second edition.