What happens when you combine an all-female, all-star cast, headed by Meg Ryan and Annette Bening, celebrated comedy writer/director/producer Diane English (Murphy Brown), and a classic story about a circle of New York friends? The answer is The Women, a comedy about contemporary womanhood and the power of female relationships, which is based on George Cukor’s 1939 film and Clare Boothe Luce’s 1936 stage play.

Unfortunately, what you also get, in this contrived 2008 version, is a lecture on every female issue known to man: childbirth, face-lifts, sexual techniques, career women who neglect their children, teenage girls with self-image problems, men who don’t believe in women, men who have trouble with successful women (not the same thing), the betrayal of female friendships, the perils of careers in a man’s world and, quite possibly, more.

At the center of this overblown tale is Ryan’s character, Mary Haines — a thoroughly modern woman suddenly confronted with an age-old dilemma: a cheating husband. The ladies in her life — Sylvie Fowler (Bening), a dynamic magazine editor, gay writer Alex Fisher (Jada Pinkett Smith), and supermom Edie Cohen (Debra Messing), swiftly rally to Mary’s side. But when Sylvie betrays Mary in a Faustian bargain, the entire group is shaken to the core, and two women face the most painful breakup of all — their friendship.

With all this movie had going for it — the stellar cast plus the creator of the TV show that first introduced a strong independent woman to the world — I so wanted to like this movie. But alas, it was not to be.

Unfortunately, my dislike of this movie started about ten minutes in with a ridiculous Terminator-like scene in which Bening scopes out Saks Fifth Avenue in computer-animated “shop-o-vision.” “Did I walk into the wrong movie?” I wondered.

My disappointment continued as I realized that rather than watching a remake of a classic 1930s film, I was actually watching a rip-off of a classic Sex and the City episode (but without the snap, crackle, and pop of Carrie Bradshaw and company).

Unlike Sex and the City, I had a hard time believing that these women were really friends. (Just how did a housewife from Connecticut meet an alcoholic lesbian from the lower east side?)

Adding to the discomfort level were the uninspired performances: Meg Ryan (looking like a cartoon version of herself from 15 years ago) was typical, perky Meg Ryan; Messing was typically goofy in a “Grace Adler-ish” kind of way; Pinkett Smith sort of mugged her way through the whole thing; and Bening came off as an undersexed Samantha from Sex and the City.

Then there was Eva Mendes as Crystal Allen — the perfume girl from Saks Fifth Avenue and the other woman in Mary’s husband’s life. While Mendes definitely had the look, she lacked the bite and came off as a real-life Jessica Rabbit.

There were three performances that did stand out, however: Candice Bergen (who also played Ryan’s mom in Rich & Famous back in the ’80s) scored a lot of laughs as Mary’s wise and wise-cracking mom; Cloris Leachman as Mary’s easily flustered maid, and finally, Meg Ryan’s hair dresser deserves a round of applause, as Ryan’s hair seemed to have a life of its own, portraying the twists and turns in Mary’s life. (When we first meet Mary, Ryan’s hair has perfect curls that fall perfectly around her face. As her life falls apart, her hair gets frizzy and unruly. Finally, at the end, when Mary takes control of her life, Ryan’s hair is smoothed and straightened within an inch of its life!) Give Meg Ryan’s hair dresser an Oscar!

As for the movie, however, the only award The Women may win is a Razzie.

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