Ah, Autumn in New York. The leaves are turning lovely shades of burnished yellow and gold; summer’s once-putrid urine-smelling odors are gone and the air is so clean, one can almost get a whiff of New Jersey as the wind blows sweetly across the Hudson River.

However, there is another event that occurs every Autumn in the Big Apple and, for this New Yorker, the event is anything but joyful. Every year, towards the end of September, the United Nations holds its annual general assembly meeting. And every year, during this event, New York City plays host to an assortment of the world’s most favorite diplomats, dictators, and despots (which, for us New Yorkers, translates into triple the amount of people, noise, and traffic).

I’ve been living across the street from the UN for 15 years, and I hate to admit this, but this pop-culturized babe really has no idea exactly what the UN does or what this general assembly thing is all about. What I do know, however, is that if I’m stuck in a diplomatic traffic jam this week and miss just one episode of Dancing With the Stars, there will be hell to pay!

This year, the event started off literally with a bang, when the UN had a fireworks display over the East River celebrating the arrival of the world’s most important leaders. I admit, it was quite an unexpected and lovely sight to behold. My hypersensitive dog, LC, however, thought otherwise, as she dragged me, hyperventilating, back to our apartment.

The weekend, then, continued on its downward spiral when, on Sunday, as I’m running late to meet friends for brunch, I got a small taste of the week to come, traffic-wise, when the bus that I was riding got stopped in traffic for ten minutes in order to allow a long motorcade of limousines to pass through on 59^th Street and Third Avenue. (Well, I guess even leaders of the free world have to go tie shopping at Bloomingdales.)

For you guys on the West Coast, to get an idea of what traffic is like in NYC during this hectic time, just imagine how traffic is on Hollywood Boulevard during Oscar night. Now triple that and expand it for five days, and now you can see why New Yorkers look forward to this event the same way they look forward to a trip to the dentist.

Of course, this being New York, what would an event of this magnitude be without the protests? Over on 49^th and 1^st there’s the Taiwanese protesting their non-inclusion in the UN. On 42nd and 1^st it’s the Burmese protesting abuses in Burma. And over on 46^th and 1^st there’s a huge protest against Iranian President Ahmadinejad’s mere presence in New York.

Speaking of Ahmadinejad — it was not that long ago when Cuba’s Fidel Castro was the most hated attendee at the annual gathering and, according to The New York Times, Castro complained about the treatment he was getting in one New York City hotel and stormed out. Later on, it was discovered that the hotel’s managers auctioned off the chicken feathers Castro left behind in room 806. Ah, the good old days — when all we had to worry about was a guy with a scraggly beard and a cheap cigar.

As for security for these visitors, the efforts to protect the diplomats (especially since 9/11) have, quite simply, gone off the charts. As I gaze out my window overlooking the UN complex, I see snipers standing on the roof of the Security Council building, scouring the streets for potential threats with their high-powered binoculars. Standing there in my underwear watching them, I start wondering just how high-powered those binoculars really are, and why is one of them training those binoculars in my direction?! And right there on the corner of 42^nd and 1^st, I notice a green truck that looks an awful lot like a missile tank and something right out of Apocalypse Now. I have absolutely no idea what its capabilities are, but I find it especially unnerving since it’s standing disturbingly close to my building and its “gun” looks like it’s aimed directly at my window! Trust me — you haven’t experienced high-tech security until you’ve taken your dog out for a midnight pee and then aren’t allowed back into your building until you show the police officer stationed outside your proof of ID!

As leaders of the free world gather to discuss issues of our planet’s future, I say “Welcome to New York City, enjoy your stay…now get the heck outta here!”

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