In yet another sign that the apocalypse is fast approaching, VH1 has graced the airwaves with yet another reality show, and this time it involves wannabe child stars and their wannabe stage parents.

In I Know My Kid’s a Star, kid contestants and their parents compete against each other to win the grand prize of $50,000 and representation by a major talent agency. And in another nod to Satan himself, VH1 dug up Partridge Family co-star, drug addict, and former reality star, Danny Bonaduce to serve as host.

The show challenges Bonaduce to seek out “one great, aspiring, triple-threat, stage-hungry kid, identify them as a star, and train their driven stage mom or dad to be a supportive and fit parent who won’t end up driving their kid into rehab” (so goes the statement by VH1).

During the course of the eight hour-long episodes, ten parent/child teams live in a house in Los Angeles and do whatever it takes to make the kid a star. Bonaduce and casting director/manager Marki Costello judge the teams based on skill level, poise, likeability, and stage presence.

All the kids, of course, are cute and FAIRLY talented, but the real gimmick of the show is watching the parents as they quarrel and browbeat each other. Just like every other reality show, there is the one that everyone just loves to hate. Here, the “star” of the parent pack is Raquel (or, as she likes to be called, “Rocky”). In her cowboy hat and two-piece miniskirt outfit, Rocky swaggers through the show, making it clear she’s the star filly in the barn.

Equally clear, however, is how her daughter Hayley seems to be a vehicle for Rocky’s own star fantasies. As we watch Hayley rehearse a scene, Rocky is right there next to her, mouthing the words along with her daughter and practically pulling the script out of her daughter’s hand, pushing her aside and performing the scene herself.

Rocky’s overbearing behavior does eventually take a toll on Hayley’s performing (and neurosis), when during a singing session, with Rocky hovering a few feet away, Hayley fumbles the words and eventually freezes. When the producers ask Rocky to leave, however, Hayley, of course, does fine.

Finally, in an upcoming episode, it seems Rocky will treat us to a “Joan Crawford moment” when, with plastic hanger in hand, she shrieks to the camera that she’s “ready to kill someone!” (Hopefully it isn’t one of the kids!) Viewers are cringing. Producers are thinking, “Good television!” Lucifer is smiling.

For the record, none of the other parents seem as neurotic and nutty as Rocky, but there is one thing that is patently clear: none of the kids seem to be very happy. When it comes to performance time, it is the parents who beam and cheer, while the kids dutifully do what they’re told (most of the time).

As for the purpose of the show (finding the kid with the most talent), after watching a handful of episodes, I can guarantee that there is not a Jodie Foster, Britney Spears or Haley Joel Osment in the bunch! I am fairly certain, however, that Child Protective Services may very well have ten new clients.

Popularity: 1% [?]